Dear Abby: My older sister visits me every week to play cards and gossip. While I love her dearly and enjoy her visits, sometimes I don’t appreciate a topic she brings up.
We are at different ends of the political spectrum. Although I never initiate a conversation about the candidate she voted for in the last election, she never misses an opportunity to narrow down my choice for the same office. It’s hurtful, and I almost cried the last time he made a derogatory comment about her. When she doesn’t mention politics, we have a great time.
Why does she do this? Is he unaware of how much this bothers me? I’m a quiet person who doesn’t like confrontation or making others feel bad, so I usually nod or listen without saying anything. I am scared to see her sometimes because I don’t know whether she will bring politics to the fore or not. Do you have a polite, non-confrontational way of asking him to stop? – Opposite in Pennsylvania
Dear Opposite: Yes, I do: Stop shaking your head and establish some ground rules with Sissy. Tell him you love his company but the derogatory political comments have to stop. Explain that you want to keep politics off the table when she visits because the subject is too upsetting, and if she can’t comply, you’ll see her less often. Duration! Standing up for yourself is not confrontation. You’ve been waiting a long time for that brief chat. If you can’t do it, stop blaming him, and be ready for more – and a lot more.
Dear Abby: How do I get my frugal friend to stop intruding? I enjoy his friendship, but our life is not the same. I’m married to a great man, and I haven’t had to work, although I’m still careful about what I spend, and I try to find bargains on food, clothes, baby items, and travel. Let’s try My friend is single and she is always looking for ways to protect herself. What he doesn’t realize is that his advice becomes unwanted after a point.
An example: We went grocery shopping and, when I tried to buy a turkey, she kept talking about how much money I could save by catching the sale at the next store over.
If I mention that my husband and I are going out to dinner, she insists on telling me how much money I could save if I cooked at home more often. It is endless.
I’ve told him in so many words that I don’t need advice about money and, while I admire his frugality, I fixate on my own. I try to steer the conversation away from these topics, but it’s hard to tell her what I do without giving some sort of reply that her way is better. I rarely ask for his advice; She just gives. What can I say that our friendship will not end yet the point will be crossed? — Tired of Clipping Coupons in Ohio
Dear Weary: The answer to your question may have more to do with what you don’t say than what you do. If you’ve already told your friend that you’re doing well and living within your means, then from now on, stop telling her all the details of your life that pertain to shopping, traveling, and entertainment. what you do together. If that doesn’t work, you may have to use a direct approach and explain that what she’s doing, although well-intentioned, bothers you and needs to stop.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. contact dear abby www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
