Dear Abby: Thirty years ago, I had an affair with a married man, “Roger”. We worked together and fell in love. Roger was married at the time with three children. My husband and I were separated, and I had a son. The 15 year age gap between us didn’t matter to me. I praised her. Roger was soft-spoken, intelligent and a gentleman. He was of Christian faith, so when he decided to divorce his wife, his associates intervened and bought out his equity in the company, forcing him to move out of state.
Roger was a great man and struggled with the idea of โโleaving his family. I understood, and we parted ways. I gave him as much information as possible for years but never contacted him, and we lived in different states. When he left, I was pregnant, but I didn’t tell him because there was too much going on and I didn’t want the child to be a tool. I had a son, reconciled with my husband and never told a soul. Eight years after that, my husband and I divorced.
Though I tried, I never got up the courage to reach out to Roger. Five years ago, I visited the state where he lived. I also went to his office but could not get through. I’ve had several dreams about her recently and can’t stop thinking about her. They looked very real.
I looked up Roger online and found that he had died a year ago. I am devastated and feel guilty for not giving my son the opportunity to know his father. Roger has more children. At this point, should I tell them or should I just leave it alone? My biggest fear is hurting his wife. She is a good person and she doesn’t deserve this. – holding many secrets
Dear Holding: What would be achieved by announcing so late? As you said, it won’t give your son a chance to know his father. And at this point, receiving shocking news will only cause Roger’s widow anguish. However, I’ll do another internet search to see if you can figure out who killed Roger. If it is something that can be passed on to your son, warn him. Otherwise, I’m voting to leave everything alone.
Dear Abby: In the past two years, a friend I’ve felt very close to over the years has gone downhill. “Nancy” feels that her neighbors have planted listening devices in her apartment, illegally entered her place and taken things, and are generally hostile. I have my own troubles and burdens in my life, and this change of his makes me feel fearful, powerless, and overwhelmed.
I hold back, but a mutual friend tells me that Nancy has been abandoned and betrayed by me. I’m afraid I’ll be sorry if I reach out. But on the other hand, I never said goodbye. Nancy has a therapist now, and I hold her up very much in prayer. What do you suggest that I do? –failed friends in california
Dear Friend: Your prayers have been answered. Nancy is now under the care of a therapist and may be on the mend. If your only reason for contacting her is to say goodbye, I think that would be cruel. If you want to check in from time to time, ask how she’s doing and offer some warmth and encouragement, then give her a call.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. contact dear abby www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
