Dear AB: I am a 59 year old man. My fiancee of 50 years lives in a nice home, but after 15 years of loving relationship, she decided to move in with someone else last week. She had recently lost a lot of weight, bought a new car, and started doing things I thought were age-appropriate — although I never said anything unflattering about them.
She is now living with him in a weekly rented hotel room. This leads me to believe that they both left the relationship and had nowhere else to go.
She didn’t give me a chance to fight for us (counseling, etc) or even the heads-up that she was unhappy. One afternoon when I returned home from work, I found a note from her saying she was sorry for not being able to tell me in person, but she was doing it for herself.
I have always been a respected person in any of my relationships. It’s hard for me to understand and move on from this. I have never been so hurt and emotionally drained. She would not communicate with me verbally, only via email and text. I feel hopeless and lost. Please give me some encouragement that somewhere there is a light at the end of the tunnel. – emotionally drained in Maine
Dear Emotionally Drought: Although your female friend didn’t give you a chance to fight for her by getting counseling, my first advice is to make an appointment with a therapist and start fighting for yourself.
You may not know your fiancรฉe as well as you thought. Once you gain some perspective, you may realize that something changed when she tried to start losing weight. (I think it was around the time she met the man she’s living with now.)
Please understand that the woman you invested so much time in was dishonest, cowardly and selfish and she treated you the way she did. I wish you had mentioned why both of you didn’t get married while living together for 15 years. But, my friend, you dodged a bullet. A licensed psychotherapist will help you realize how lucky you are.
Dear Abby: My brother-in-law recently moved in with us. He never misses an opportunity to compliment others or to brag about what he has. Others have noticed this as well. We are all retired and living quite well. However, comparisons are made, expletives are thrown around and he’s even cited our kids “needing” their inheritance, while his kids get it “because they don’t have great jobs.”
I’m close to my sister and happy to have her near me, but I’m not sure how to handle the situation with her spouse. I try to minimize my time with him and ignore him when he talks, no matter how hard it is. My husband wants nothing to do with her anymore, and I can’t say that I blame him. But I don’t want to create any rift between my sister and me. advice? Dealing with a Narcissist
Dear Treats: There are two ways to handle this. The first is to recognize that the people who feel the need to do what your brother-in-law is doing usually do so out of a sense of insecurity. The second is to tell your sister how her husband’s words affect you and your husband — and if she doesn’t stop it, they’ll see you much less often. So let him handle it.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. contact dear abby www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
